Vaccine questions

I know this is a controversial subject, but I also know that most of the people around this space parent away from society's norm. My question that I would love, love, love feedback on is about the upcoming vaccination for the swine flu. Are you getting it? Are you going to have your children get it? If not, please tell why? My concern is that it is untested (goodness knows, even many of those vaccines that are tested aren't necessarily "safe"), but the thought of my little boy going through a flu, fever and weakness makes me unsure about what to do. I wouldn't normally vaccinate him for a flu, but all the hype around the swine flu definitely has me thinking.

Eventually we will all follow our own instincts, but I would love to hear whatever anyone has to say about it.

Thanks.

An empty video monitor screen and New beginnings

This morning I sit in front of this computer without looking at the video monitor of my boy sleeping. Why? I have just dropped him off for his first day at a pre-school. It is in a backyard of a woman's house, and it is Waldorf-based, so there is a lot of outdoor, unstructured play. I love it. Tristan seems to like it. But driving home after dropping him off was such a surreal experience. My boy. Preschool. Wasn't he just born? Didn't I just bring him home from the hospital in his little carrier last week? Didn't that happen? I realize he's a little young to go to preschool, but there is no "education" (as we think of it) involved, and he gets some time on his own, gets to learn that mommy comes back, gets to play with children around his age and hopefully feels comfortable enough to go back tomorrow! I am going back to school in the fall to hopefully finish my master's program in Public History. It would be an impossible task if he didn't have some place to go to while I do some studying, so we are doing a trial-run this summer to make sure Tristan is comfortable and adjusted when the real deal starts for me in the fall. I don't think I planned for him to go to any other sort of care until he was around 4, but occasionally, life plans change, as we all know. I am excited but also a little sad. I keep glancing at the video monitor because I never sit here when he is awake. Being a parent is an act of vigilance, and at the moment, with a black screen on the monitor, I have nothing to be vigilant about. 

It is a little surreal. 

Inspiration, weeding the garden of your mind, gratitude

One night, when my son was just over a year old, I couldn't sleep. I got up and wrote in my diary that I wanted to become the woman I am inspired by. This is not any particular person, it's just who or what I feel inspired by at any given moment. I had watched "Iconoclasts" on the Sundance channel earlier in the evening with the pairing of Ruby Dee and Alicia Keys. I hadn't really ever seen either one of these talented women before, but I found myself thinking about them in the middle of the night, and feeling inspired by them both. "I want to be the woman whom I am inspired by," I wrote. what does this mean to me now? It's led me to be a more conscientious mother. To be more conscious of the choices I make and how they affect my life. To strive to feel good - that means taking care of myself. I'll be a much happier wife and mother if I'm eating healthy and exercising regularly (although the exercise part can be challenging to get to at times). If I'm having an abundance of creativity I feel very inspired. Creativity spawns inspiration and inspiration spawns creativity. It is a wonderful cycle to be in.

I read a short article in Body & Soul magazine from the July/August 2008 issue about a book called Plant, Seed, Pull Weed: Nurturing the Garden of Your Life by Geri Larkin. "Larkin takes readers into her vegetable and flower garden to teach them a few lessons about what our minds and spirits need to thrive. One of the most important tasks? Weeding. 'If you have a garden, you'll get weeds...If you have a mind, you'll get junky thinking.'...So how do you rid yourself of useless, unnecessary thoughts? 'We stop feeding them the fertilizer of attention. As a result, our minds calm down, and as they do, we watch our lives become lighter, happier, and surprisingly more interesting. When the weeds are gone, you'll be amazed at how quickly everything else takes over. Beauty is there, expanding by the minute.'" I snipped this article and posted it on my wall. It's currently above my desk and I look to it whenever my mind is bogged down with negative thinking. It provides the same lovely lift that a gratitude list does and it doesn't cost a cent. It also reminds me to take stock of my life and to stop doing something if it isn't working for me. I partially credit this idea of weeding the mind of junky thinking for all the creativity I've had lately. It's amazing what shows up when my mind isn't cluttered by useless thought. I'm still working on this though.

I feel that lately some of my posts have been less than optimal. I have been a very busy bee working in this little "room of my own" on a big project that I will be able to tell you about in the coming weeks. It is an exciting time for me here, but also a little bit stressful, and this little blog has been taking the backseat lately. I hope to return to it more fully soon, with fresh inspiration.

When I remember to be grateful, I am inspired. So here is my little list of gratitude:

~the feel of old, well-washed linen in my hand

~an organized desk

~a well-taken picture

~packages in the mail

~memories of our trip to Boston (what a lovely city)

~pictures of Tristan when he was a newborn, baby, toddler (it's amazing what can be forgotten. Thank goodness for pictures!)

A growing boy

Tristan with rocks in hands

So far, I've been fairly lucky in terms of parenting a 2-year old. I'd heard when they turn 2, look out. But our little one seemed to have missed that and has been mostly a doll with exception to a few incidents that seemed to occur when he was overly tired. His personality had been changing slowly enough that I could adjust my parenting to work for his changes - at least that's how I see it. But recently, it seems that his personality is changing faster than I can keep up with. As a growing boy he has a certain amount of aggression that I didn't expect. Before I had a child I always assumed that parents would put trucks in boys' hands and dolls in girls' hands. But seeing how my son has grown around these types of toys, I now know I was wrong. Don't get me wrong, he has two dolls and a few stuffed animals and he can be very sweet and nurturing, but he does love his cars and tools. I did not place any truck into my son's hand. He picked the truck up, literally and metaphorically speaking. 

I have thus far felt good about my parenting but sometimes now I forget to listen to my heart or can't hear what it is saying through my frustration. If he's overly tired, he's overly aggressive. The late spring sun is difficult to work in - if it's light outside, it's daytime and he doesn't want to take a bath or go to sleep in the day! People don't sleep in the day, he says (even though he naps every day for 2 1/2 hours!), people sleep at night. "It is night time, but the sun stays up longer in the spring." Well, I'm speaking logic and he doesn't yet speak that language. So, I have to wait for fatigue to come, and it does. He's usually good about bath - it's really not very hard to get him to take one. But last night, after bath, he pulled my hair again! It started with him brushing my hair. I would want to brush his after bath and he wasn't crazy about that idea, so I would let him brush mine to make it an even trade. It was great for a time, then he discovered that he could get a rise out of me when he pulled a little too hard with the comb. That turned into his hand pulling. He seemed to think it was hilarious when I told him it hurt (little monster!) But last night I raised my voice at him and he cried. I felt like a bad mommy. He is growing so fast and I imagine that this is the 2-year old version of adolescence. Sometimes they do things you don't understand, nor perhaps do they, but something compels them to do something not nice, they want to push their limits, see what is possible, see what they can get away with, see what causes a rise in mom or dad, see what they can and cannot do, see if they can do what their imagination can do....on and on.

A few  months back, he woke up one morning itching his hands. When I looked at them they were splotchy red. When the little rash and his itching was still there the next day, we went to see his doctor, who gave us a pretty unsatisfactory answer. Over the next few weeks, the itchy rash disappeared but the skin on both of his hands cracked and then peeled off. Just like a snake. I guess maybe he was just growing out of his skin - literally and metaphorically speaking. Something I have to get used to as his growth becomes exponential.

Now I just have to learn to grow out of mine.

Hard at Play, Unexpected Goodbyes

Last night, after Tristan had woken up from his very late nap, the two of us were reinacting a scene from the book, Are You My Mother? by P.D. Eastman. He had been a little scared of the Big Snort in the book, but after I explained that the Big Snort was a nice guy, that it had actually helped the little bird by lifting the little bird up from the ground and taken it back to its nest where its mama could find it, he seemed to like Big Snort o.k. and wanted to reinact the scene I just mentioned. He spread a blanket on the floor and that was our nest. I was both the Big Snort and the mama bird and he was, of course, baby bird. It was all very sweet. While I was sitting there, I realized how happy he was just playing in this simple way with me, and all of that feeling, like, "I should be doing....(this, this or this)" just went away. He knows the difference from when I'm playing with him preoccupied with other thoughts, or if I'm fully present with our play. Sometimes he'll even say to me, "Mommy come here," even when I'm right next to him. He knows when my mind is elsewhere.

I forget this sometimes - all of the things that have to get done in daily life often take priority over play. Obviously, that is necessary sometimes, but not always. I notice how much smoother things go when he has undivided attention too. If we play hard for a given time, he seems more agreeable for the non-play things later on. And he's so happy when we play! This I have to remember: when we play, play hard, play with abandon. These moments are fleeting and there will be a time when he doesn't want to play and when he has other things he needs to get done. Two and a half years have flashed by already, before my eyes. I tell him all the time, "When you were a baby, you would play with this," or some thing or another about a time not really all that long ago. He'll repeat, "When I was little, I...." Such precious moments.

What I never expected from motherhood - especially when he's still so young, are all the things I have to say goodbye to - like baby talk, sitting him in his high chair, or his nickname (Tristan-bug. He's informed us that he is not a bug, and presented with the option of being called Tristan-bear, he consented to letting us call him that. But I'm having a little trouble remembering. He will always be my little bug.) Sometimes you don't even realize when the last time will be that your child will do something. I (regretfully now) sold my Ergo baby carrier last fall when it didn't seem like I'd used it for awhile and I didn't expect to use it again. When was the very last time I carried him in it? Was it on my front or back? I imagine it was sometime in August or September, but I don't know for sure. Since we've been in Portland there are several times I thought I could have used it, but I just put gave him a piggy-back ride instead. I let go of that carrier too soon. Probably because he's heavy and carrying him was giving me back pains, but I miss that most literal part of "attachment" parenting, and I wish I had let that go on a little longer.

Someday, there will be a last time he nurses. There will be a last time he sleeps beside me. I may not even realize it at the time. I just pray we will never stop playing and never stop laughing with me. Motherhood is full of goodbyes.

I had no idea.

Sweet Boys

Lately my husband and I have been receiving wonderful comments about our son and how polite he is, how sweet and well-behaved he is - I am so thankful because he is polite, sweet and well-behaved - most of the time, not all of the time. But we are also blessed with unique circumstances, and that may play a part in Tristan's behavior.

In several of Dr. Sears' books, he's the well-known attachment-parenting writer/doctor/guru, he writes about the coming together of the personality of the child and the personality of the parent, and how certain personalities will come together in harmony, and others will clash and the relationship will be more difficult. This may be the case in our family, but I feel there are three unique things our family has that contribute to Tristan's behavior, whether it be good or not. The first: my husband. He is 19 years my senior and has the benefit of having parented two boys already who are in their twenties. This gives him experience that many people don't already have. I am so lucky that he brings that to his parenting skills. He balances us out - lord knows I would have much less patience if it weren't for his reminding me to chill out when the occasion calls for it.

The second thing is: my husband. He is very complimentary toward me and very encouraging. He thinks I'm a good mom! How sweet is that? His faith in me only spurs joy in my interaction with Tristan, and this seems to pour over into Tristan's personality. A child who receives joy is also joyful - at least that's how it seems. My observation is that when Tristan is happy he is more willing to listen and pay attention. When I am in a bad mood or a "no" mood, that also transfers over to him. He seems to become less willing to say "yes" and certainly he's not as pleasant to be with!

The third thing is: my husband. He works at home most of the time and Tristan sees him often throughout the day - this is just luck. It's probably like having two stay-at-home parents, except that he knows that much of the time when daddy is in his office, he can't be bothered. Tristan seriously has no idea how lucky he has it, and telling him does us no good. In a way it ups the ante - we have to be even more ingenious in coming us with soothers or distractions, since seeing one of us isn't "special," because he sees both of us all the time.

My son is NOT well-behaved all the time - by any means. Politeness is important to me so I emphasize it with him many times every day, and it seems to be working. He is a high-spirited boy and our personalities fit that well, as Dr. Sears talks about. He has a lot of energy and we also seem to have a lot of energy. My husband also doesn't engage in "pissing contests" with Tristan, making an issue out of something that could be resolved without issue. He brings tremendous heart and knowledge to the table of parenting and without him, surely, it would be a different story. Hats off to my hubby - he'll hate that I wrote this. He hates to be singled out. Oh well. He's a Leo - it's gonna happen from time to time.

Happy Monday!

Toothbrushing and the Terrific Two-year-old

toothbrush heaven

Daily life with a small child is filled with laughter as well as struggles, as any mom or dad will attest to. The laughter is the most joyful, belly-full and surprising - these young ones are unpredictable with their thoughts and so creative with their language. Lately, every morning has been delightful - I usually wake up early and get to work (play) in my office for a little while and Tristan wakes up a bit later and calls to me. I run to see him - those first few waking minutes are so precious I don't like to miss even a few seconds of them - and he nurses a little, then stops to tell me something out of the blue. Maybe a snippet of a conversation or situation from the day before, sometimes he pulls something out of the depth of his memory and surprises me with all that he remembers. Most of the time though, he tells me a 2-year old joke and we laugh and laugh. He's really pretty hilarious. I was blessed with a boy with a great sense of humor. Thank God. I love to laugh.

The flip-side of that coin is the struggle that comes from our ideas of what he should and shouldn't do coming up against his emerging sense of self. And opinion. And likes and dislikes. Case in point: tooth-brushing. This has of late become an issue I would rather avoid but can't because of the possible consequences. He will take a toothbrush with toothpaste and put it in his mouth and move it around a little. And that is it. It's not enough. I'll tell him I can see the "sugarbugs" on his teeth, and at first this helped and he brushed more, but then it stopped working. It is a frustrating situation. I have remedied it slightly by offering him a toothbrush as often as I can remember during the day. Honestly though, most of the time, he ends up brushing once - just before bath at night.

Yesterday, something interesting happened. I asked him to brush his teeth. "No, no, no," he said, and threw the toothbrush on the floor. "We don't throw things, Tristan," I said, (we are not a family who punishes, but we do use repetition, modeling and correcting behavior, and showing our son - sometimes in an exaggerated way - the natural consequences of his behavior) and told him we wouldn't go outside until after he brushed. Usually, when he throws something I will get upset and that will color any other issue - the toothbrushing issue in this case. At this point it had to be two separate things because I didn't want my anger to color the toothbrushing situation. I let go of my anger about the throwing, telling him how we don't throw things because throwing can hurt and he has the words to say "I'm upset," or even just "no." The difference yesterday, for me, was that I didn't speak to him or treat him out of anger or frustration. He responds well to an exaggerated response to throwing or hitting (saying, "ouch that hurts. I have an owie!" almost always results in him hugging whomever he hurt and saying "I'm sorry.") My fear about cavities is thus far only a fear, not a reality, so why am I frustrated or upset about him not brushing when nothing bad has happened? Don't borrow trouble from the future is what I say.

Well, I didn't engage with him too much over the next hour but instead went about doing chores. The toothbrush remained on the floor. Every 10-15 minutes I would remind him that I was still waiting for him to brush his teeth. We were still talking but I was more serious than usual and he sensed that. This kid has a lot of pride! He will not just do what you want, something has to change and enough time has to pass that he can "save-face." He has always done this, since he was a wee-babe. After about an hour, dishes done, clothes folded, I walked with him toward the bathroom. Knowing about his pride and wanting him to brush his teeth but also not "lose-face," I decided to change the situation so that he could keep his dignity. It wasn't about forcing my will on him or getting in a "pissing contest" with him, as my husband calls it - I just want his teeth to be healthy!! I picked up the toothbrush and said, "Have you seen all the different toothbrushes we have in here Tristan? There are so many to choose from and they are all so neat and colorful! Let's see what we can find." I pulled out every toothbrush I had for him and for us. We ended up with about 10 on the countertop. He was excited to use the little green oval shaped one I bought as one of his first toothbrushes - a baby brush. We put some toothpaste on there and he brushed a little. By that time, it would have been o.k. with me if it had just gone in and out of his little mouth! But he did brush a little more than I had expected. My theory is that by shifting his attention to the different toothbrushes rather than the struggle of trying to make him do something he didn't want to do, he was able to save-face but still do what he knew I wanted him to do.

Today he was much more enthusiastic about brushing, gathering brushes that were still laying on the countertop and putting different ones and sometimes two at a time in his mouth and start brushing. He talked about the colors make comments about them. "What's this one doing?" he'd ask. "It's just sitting there waiting," I'd say. The photo I posted is proof.

It's a start. We'll see if it sticks!

Homeschooling, problems with television

I had something else I wanted to write about but am having so much fun reading other blogs that I changed my mind. Or forgot. One theme I see running through many of the blogs that pull me in is homeschooling. What a commitment. Wow. It has seriously crossed my mind, to homeschool Tristan, but part of me really wants to send him to Waldorf when the time comes. Finances will have a large say in that. Since we're most likely having only one child, it may be possible to send him to a Waldorf school in a few years. I have my own aspirations in public history, but seriously am not sure if I want to work outside the home. I love doing research (why else would I love history?) so...we'll see about that. If it is all a "perfect storm" - homeschooling is definitely a possibility. It is the only option I can currently see if Waldorf isn't feasible. I really don't want to send him to public school. It's not the teachers - I think the teachers are great, committed, qualified people. It's the other kids. Everyday on the playground I see such negativity and anger and selfishness. Not always, no. But the truth is that television and video games are such a major part of most children's and families lives, that the violence and sarcasm picked up while watching it permeate daily interactions. Older kids are often immune to violence and unimpressed with the neat things that happen in daily life. That's how I see it. I know I'm making a blanket assumption, but what I see coming out of Waldorf are well-rounded, confident, creative people - and I'd be willing to bet the same from home-schooled kids too. Not that public school doesn't produce these kinds of people, but the building blocks of these children's lives are based on different ideas.

One of these differences is television and video games. I cannot let my child watch T.V. on a regular basis. I tried letting him watch Caillou once a day for a few days. It resulted in temper-tantrums and anger and tears (when it was time to turn it off) in my normally cheerful boy. Not to mention the glazed look on his face while he was watching. We stopped this on the third day. Now Tristan can watch a Caillou or Elmo movie on the van's DVD player when we take a long car trip (he watched on the way to Big Sur a few weeks ago, and will watch again on the way to Portland in a couple of weeks). He knows that while we're at home there are no DVD's in the van (I physically remove them so I don't lie when I tell him we don't have them except for long trips), and he no longer watches T.V. at home. Thank goodness. I find that I'm not watching much either. In the political season, I was a junkie with the news shows, but now I don't have the time for that. I watch a movie now and then, but not often. There are so many other things I want to do it just becomes a time-sucker!

I took some pictures yesterday but the camera is in our room and Tristan is still sleeping so I'll post them tomorrow. Happy Friday!

Confessions of a dilettante and the joys of sharing sleep

dining room table and chairs

I admit it, I'm a dilettante. A dabbler. A gal with lots of interests and no specialty. My aunt, whom I would say is a master hand-craftsperson, gave me some leeway today when I mentioned that to her. She said she went through that and that's just something people have to do to find out what they are really interested in - what strikes their fancies...well, she is so generous. I have an unfinished quilt (but 4 finished squares!), somewhere between 3 and 6 unfinished knitting and crocheting projects, one unfinished apron, several patterns unattended to, embroidery thread and materials that were generously given to me by my mom and aunt but never used (the interest rose...and then fell - not to say it won't return someday). Does this sound familiar to anyone? These have accumulated over the past 5 years and I truly hope to someday get to all of them. One thing I find myself finishing over and over again though are these little collage-card scenes. Glad I can start and finish something.

Speaking of completed projects, Ida Pearle (see her website on my sidebar) put out out a book recently called, A Child's Day: An Alphabet of Play. I am always so happy to see her charming artwork. She uses paper-cuts also, mostly of children in play mode. The children in her work have no features, but they have so much EXPRESSION!! Amazing what this paper medium is capable of...

And while I'm on the subject of children's expressions, very early this morning as I lay with my son while he slept soundly after having been nursed back to sleep, I heard him giggle. Oh the sound of a child giggling in his sleep must be close to heaven's music...it delights me and gives me hope that I am doing something right! I feel so lucky to share my sleeping hours with my son, as his sleep-giggles occur at least weekly, if not more often. When it's light enough in the room I also get to see the lovely smile that accompanies the sweet laugh. As tired as I was, it was a joyful way to start the day.

Play, sugar, and peanut butter

vase of flowers

I read this brief but moving article about the untimely deaths of Natasha Richardson and Jade Goody, but more importantly, making sure your kids are cared for in case any thing happens to you: http://www.newsweek.com/id/190782?GT1=43002

O.k., so it's not the most uplifting of thoughts to begin the day, but what if something happens to you before your children are old enough to care for themselves? Even a few small measures can take care of that. More importantly, and this is what I am discovering lately, that you take better care of your children if you take care of yourself too. I find that if I have time to myself in the morning, I do so much better playing with my son during the day! I can jump in with my cup o' coffee and sit on his playroom floor and just PLAY!, leaving other stuff for later. If I don't have that time in the morning, I'm admittedly not as fun and maybe a bit more grumpy. I try not to be for his sake, but it certainly helps if I wake up earlier than he does!

Speaking of grumpy, sugar is a major culprit in our house, at least for my son and me. I can handle it a little better, but I'm a known label-reader (ask my ever-so-patient mom) - I scrutinize labels ridiculously for sugar or "evaporated cane juice" as they call it in health food stores. It wreaks havoc on my son's personality and I would bet the same is true for all kids, whether parents realize it or not. So Tristan loves these little Late July brand sandwich crackers with cheese and peanut butter inside. The cheese ones, no problem, but the peanut butter ones - well, let's just say I discovered their sugar content once I saw my son's personality change. Could be that he's 2, but I'll have to find out for sure by cutting out these crackers to see if he changes BACK to the boy he was a few days ago, pre-p.b. cracker. Peanut butter is so naturally sweet anyway, I just don't understand why sugar needs to be added to it.

And speaking of peanut butter, I made another batch of cereal yesterday (I got the original recipe from a Facebook friend) - but lacked the shredded coconut I usually put in there, so I put in peanut butter instead! It was delicious, and I was able to use less oil because of peanut butter's natural oil. I used Santa Cruz Naturals, but usually I've got Maranatha brand. And in case there was any question, neither have added sugar.