Panic subsiding...

bridge at Japanese Gardens, Portland, Oregon

When I was 21, I looked ahead and saw a long decade and a long life, stretched out before me. I was perfectly happy to be 21 and didn't see any reason to get any older...we all know how that turned out.

About a month ago, I was swimming in a pool and I looked around at the other people, both young and old, and suddenly I felt a wave of panic...I was going to be 35 in a month. Had I done all I wanted to do on this side of 70? Certainly not, but my time had filled in as it had, and there was nothing I could do about it now. But was I satisfied? Content? Even, dare I say, happy? Yes, yes and yes. While the wave of panic, which I decided was a little glimpse of the "middle age crisis" that supposedly hits at about 40, slowly subsided, I remembered that all I have is this moment. Judging my past or worrying about my future won't change anything in that moment, and in that moment, I realized I had all I could ever dream of in my life, so yes, I was happy and I am happy.

I turn 35 today, half way to 70. I don't feel like I've lived 35 years, but when I think about my very earliest memories, they do seem very long ago. I have a wonderful, sweet, fun husband, an adorable, rascally 2 1/2 year old, a caring family, wonderful friends, creative outlets, daily inspiration, beauty all around, health and healthy choices, delicious food, a willingness to make changes and a gorgeous view when I come to sit in my little office on mornings like this, before the sun rises. Is everything perfect? Heck no, but I don't think it's supposed to be.

Or maybe it is - just perfect for me.

Gratitude in contrast

olive tree - muslin, cotton, felt & burlap fabric collage

At the moment, I am thinking of the people in Iran, struggling against their religious rulers for basic rights that I take for granted. My husband has a sister - a lovely, graceful woman with a great sense of humor - who lives there, and we have not heard from her for awhile. She is fine, I'm sure, but certainly she is worried and wondering what happens next. I also wonder what happens next, and have been considering everything I have to be grateful for.
-a roof over my head.
-abundance of fresh fruits and vegetables
-the abililty to get up in the morning and make choices about my life (my own thoughts may be the only obstacles there are to attaining any goals I set up for myself....how lucky I am for that)
-a son with a wonderful sense of humor
-moments of quiet, looking out on a tree filled with green, green leaves
-the rhythm of crocheting while listening to Selected Shorts on my ipod
-the time to allow my son to wander or play as he pleases

Finding gratitude and grace in a lovely quote

plaque at new site honoring women at PSU, Portland, Oregon

"Across the curve of the earth, there are women getting up before dawn, in the blackness before the point of light, in the twilight before sunrise, there are women rising earlier than men and children, to break the ice, to start the stove, to put up the pup, the coffee, the rice, to iron the pants, to braid the hair, to pull the day's water up from the well, to boil water for tea, to wash the children for school, to pull the vegetables and start the walk to market, to run to catch the bus for the work that is paid. I don't know when most women sleep."  - Adrienne Rich

I took this picture while in Portland last month. It would have been great for mother's day, but I was really feeling this after reading Eren's post (from This Vintage Chica) for today. My heart goes out to her.

Inspiration, weeding the garden of your mind, gratitude

One night, when my son was just over a year old, I couldn't sleep. I got up and wrote in my diary that I wanted to become the woman I am inspired by. This is not any particular person, it's just who or what I feel inspired by at any given moment. I had watched "Iconoclasts" on the Sundance channel earlier in the evening with the pairing of Ruby Dee and Alicia Keys. I hadn't really ever seen either one of these talented women before, but I found myself thinking about them in the middle of the night, and feeling inspired by them both. "I want to be the woman whom I am inspired by," I wrote. what does this mean to me now? It's led me to be a more conscientious mother. To be more conscious of the choices I make and how they affect my life. To strive to feel good - that means taking care of myself. I'll be a much happier wife and mother if I'm eating healthy and exercising regularly (although the exercise part can be challenging to get to at times). If I'm having an abundance of creativity I feel very inspired. Creativity spawns inspiration and inspiration spawns creativity. It is a wonderful cycle to be in.

I read a short article in Body & Soul magazine from the July/August 2008 issue about a book called Plant, Seed, Pull Weed: Nurturing the Garden of Your Life by Geri Larkin. "Larkin takes readers into her vegetable and flower garden to teach them a few lessons about what our minds and spirits need to thrive. One of the most important tasks? Weeding. 'If you have a garden, you'll get weeds...If you have a mind, you'll get junky thinking.'...So how do you rid yourself of useless, unnecessary thoughts? 'We stop feeding them the fertilizer of attention. As a result, our minds calm down, and as they do, we watch our lives become lighter, happier, and surprisingly more interesting. When the weeds are gone, you'll be amazed at how quickly everything else takes over. Beauty is there, expanding by the minute.'" I snipped this article and posted it on my wall. It's currently above my desk and I look to it whenever my mind is bogged down with negative thinking. It provides the same lovely lift that a gratitude list does and it doesn't cost a cent. It also reminds me to take stock of my life and to stop doing something if it isn't working for me. I partially credit this idea of weeding the mind of junky thinking for all the creativity I've had lately. It's amazing what shows up when my mind isn't cluttered by useless thought. I'm still working on this though.

I feel that lately some of my posts have been less than optimal. I have been a very busy bee working in this little "room of my own" on a big project that I will be able to tell you about in the coming weeks. It is an exciting time for me here, but also a little bit stressful, and this little blog has been taking the backseat lately. I hope to return to it more fully soon, with fresh inspiration.

When I remember to be grateful, I am inspired. So here is my little list of gratitude:

~the feel of old, well-washed linen in my hand

~an organized desk

~a well-taken picture

~packages in the mail

~memories of our trip to Boston (what a lovely city)

~pictures of Tristan when he was a newborn, baby, toddler (it's amazing what can be forgotten. Thank goodness for pictures!)

The power of positive thinking

geraniums reaching for the sun

I am amazed by the power of positive thinking. It sounds corny, right? Out of some new-agey workshop, which both draw me in and make me a little wary. But what I am talking about is what I see with my own eyes. 

I seem to surround myself with people who get exactly what they go for. I was raised with the idea that "if you set your mind to it, it will happen," and "you can do anything you want to do." My friends apparently got the same message, because I can't think of a single friend or person in my everyday life who is not exactly where they want to be. Set a goal. Work toward it. Achieve it. It's all in the thought process right? Each goal that has been achieved started as an idea, and small goals were set and achieved until the outcome they wanted has occurred.

"I've decided to move to NYC. But first I'm going to get a job." Really, how can you get a job without going to interviews and what not...what a negative girl I am, really, because my friend C. did get a job before moving to NYC, and then within 6 months she was living there in an apartment with her new job. Nevermind what the economy has changed since then, the girl always lands on her feet. Amazing.

After years of teaching, another friend wanted to go back to school to become an occupational therapist. She started school last fall, and is on her way to getting her advanced degree. 

Another friend wanted to move to Portland, but get a job first. She got it. She's there. 

Another friend wanted to rent a house in a nearby town before she had her baby. She needed a certain number of bedrooms and had a few other specifications. She's living there now, and moved in just a month before her baby was due.

Another wanted not just to be a pediatrician, but to be a pediatric cardiologist. Wow. She's doing it.

Law school...applications are in.

My hubby wanted to start a business with his boys...done.

So when this positive thinking gets you to your goals, why not stretch that idea? What about the power of prayer? Does a collective force of energy toward a certain goal change the outcome of a situation?  

Yesterday when I was on my way out of the gym parking lot, I saw the person in the car in front of me talking to the woman in the ticket booth. The person in the car reached their hand out and the woman took it, and the person in the car squeezed her hand. Then I drove up. The woman told me what she had just told the other person, that her daughter who is 34 years old is in the hospital getting surgery for the 4th time and that the doctors say her arteries are clogged more than anyone they've ever seen for her age. "We're asking everyone to pray for her." By telling each person she comes across, she's aiming to garner a collective prayer, because the force of positive energy can be very powerful, so if a lot of people are sending the same message, perhaps that message will be met. Is it possible? I pointed out a lot of positive results based on goals - but these are all very tangible goals with tangible outcomes. What about what you cannot know? If this woman's daughter recovers well (and I pray that she does), is it a result of common prayer, or a result of luck, or a result of having a good surgeon? Or all three? There is really no way to tell, right? Anything is possible. I certainly think it's possible, but I can't point out any example because there is no way to prove tangible results. But since it is possible, why not try? The same way being conscious of what I am grateful for makes me feel better all the way around, a conscious prayer in the direction of another person may change the dis-ease in their body. And since I'm on the subject, I may as well list a few things I'm grateful for.

~open spaces,

~positive people,

~clean rooms,

~organization,

~strangers who ask you to pray for them,

~strangers who say they'll pray for you (for no apparent reason),

~friends who remind me of all that is possible,

~parents who taught me that I can do anything I set my mind to (thanks mom, dad and Linda!).

By the way, today is my mom and aunt's birthday. They are twins. But not identical. Happy Birthday!

Friday Gratitude

a moment of stillness on Willamette River - Portland Marina

Thank you to Erin from the blog Apples for Poppyanne for my gratitude list reminder. My mind is a blank otherwise.

Today I am grateful for ~

~hummingbirds outside my window.

~pomegranate blossoms in all their fire-orange glory.

~picture frames for prints, long rolled in the closet, waiting to be framed.

~original artwork I love to look at.

~drives to places where you can unroll your window, step outside and hear nothing.

~infinite possibilities from finite choices.

~opening the door to smell honeysuckle in the air.

~ladybugs.

~when people are conscious about the choices they make.

~discovering a blog and feeling really good and comfortable reading it.

~blank canvases and creating something where there was nothing.

Gratitude List

I have had two reminders, not very subtle, to do my gratitude list. I think - since it is only 7:40 in the morning and already I have had these reminders, I better do that little list.

today I am grateful for -

-a wonderful new blog I just found called apples for poppyanne. She brings spirituality to the forefront of her writing, and was a nice reminder. I added her blog to my sidebar under "Blogs for the Soul"

-papasoule's friday blog entry. See the Soule Mama blog. Very nice reminder.

-the reminders of what is important

-a bountiful life. So often I get bombarded with things I need to do, "what a hassle" I think. What would my father-in-law (God bless his soul) say about that? change your perspective...and that bombardment becomes bounty.

-my son's unique sweetness.

-the feel of freshly cut fabric.

-raisins or currents in certain rice dishes - they really change it all and spice it up. Imagine a chocolate chip cookie without the chocolate chips. Blah.

Gossip and Gratitude

In the movie Doubt, Philip Seymour Hoffman's character, a priest in a catholic church, gives a sermon on gossip, telling a story to illustrate his point. 

"A woman was gossiping with a friend about a man she hardly knew - I know none of you have ever done this - that night she had a dream. A great hand appeared over her and pointed down at her. She was immediately seized with an overwhelming sense of guilt. The next day she went to confession. She got the old parish priest, Father O'Rourke, and she told him the whole thing.

'Is gossiping a sin?' she asked the old man. 'Was that the hand of God Almighty pointing a finger at me? Should I be asking your absolution? Father, tell me, have I done something wrong?'

(Irish Brogue)

'Yes!' Father O'Rourke answered her. 'Yes, you ignorant, badly brought up female! You have borne false witness against your neighbor, you have played fast and loose with his reputation, and you should be heartily ashamed!'

So the woman said she was sorry and asked for forgiveness.

'Not so fast!' says O'Rourke. 'I want you to go home, take a pillow up on your roof, cut it open with a knife, and return here to me!'

So the woman went home, took a pillow off her bed, a knife from the drawer, went up the fire escape to the roof, and stabbed the pillow. Then she went back to the old parish priest as instructed.

'Did you gut the pillow with the knife?' he says.

'Yes Father.'

'And what was the result?'

'Feathers,' she said.

'Feathers?' he repeated.

'Feathers everywhere, Father!'

'Now I want you to go back and gather up every last feather that flew out on the wind!'

'Well,' she said, 'it can't be done. I don't know where they went. The wind took them all over.'

'And that,' said Father O'Rourke, 'is GOSSIP!'

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, Amen."

I really heard this story. Gossip is one of those things I take part in but don't enjoy. It is alluring, an offer of camaraderie, a secret no one knows but you and one other. But not really. It doesn't feel good. It doesn't leave me feeling uplifted or inspired. But it's hard to stop. It's hard to cut off the person telling you the gossip for fear of hurting their feelings, and it's also hard to stop instigating the gossip because it has become somewhat of a habit. How does one break a bad habit? Cold turkey? 

This is where I begin to be conscious about my instigating gossip. When I write it down, I remember better. I better remember. 

Here is something: in January I started using a little ipod application on gratitude. Every day I would write down five or more things that I was grateful for. Gratitude seemed to inspire more gratitude, and I was surprised at all I was grateful for but didn't even realize it. This went on for about two weeks and then dissipated. During this time, I felt light and I didn't engage in gossip. Focusing on what I was grateful for left no room for petty things. 

So today, I am grateful for -

-my son's patience at 2 1/2. I have a lot to learn from this little guy.

-a lovely conversation I had with my husband last night as our son slept during our last hour of traveling home.

-being home again.

File this one under spirituality and healthy living. Really, what else could it be?